Clomid Update and Other TTC Musings

© unknown What to Expect

These past few weeks have been difficult.  I have never been on clomid before and so many of the side effects were unexpected and severe.  I experienced nausea, vomiting, uterine contractions on par with labor, extreme pelvic pain almost warranting an ER visit, extreme fatigue, low grade fevers, and flu like pain 5 - 16 days after taking the last pill.  I spoke with a nurse from my gynaecologist's office who advised it was alright to continue clomid and said the pains were most likely associated with ovulation exacerbated by the medication. I have mixed feelings about continuing, mostly because the uterine contractions concern me, but I've decided to continue anyway.  I want to increase my chances of conception at any cost.  

I ovulated 3 days (CD18) and 14 days (CD28) after the last pill per BBT and ovulation tests, respectively.  Conflicting reports are confusing, but I finally returned to a normal menstrual cycle lasting 32 days.  So I am somewhat relieved. I had a faint BFP 10 past OD, but a clear negative right as my period was due, which was a few days late.  I don't know if the initial tests were a false positive, if it was a chemical pregnancy, or if the uterine contractions affected implantation. But I got my period July 16 and started clomid on CD5. I've already begun vomiting and the exhaustion keeps me in bed.

As you can expect, I'm scared about many things.  I'm scared about the repeated ovulation pain, I'm scared we won't get pregnant again (women statistically get pregnant within 6 clomid cycles) or that our pregnancy will be with another unhealthy baby.  I am also concerned my lifestyle is affecting my fertility, which has been mentioned in previous posts.  My anxiety and stress levels affect my sleeping patterns, decision making, and overall health.  A potential job I interviewed for the other day would increase these levels, expose me hazardous agents, and have me work into the late evenings. So as much as my husband and I need the additional income, I am hoping I don't get the position - which adds to my stress.          

I read a blog post the other day with a title that says it all: Making a Baby is the Hardest thing I Have Ever Done.  And I can't help but dwell on it.  I've been crying for days, sleeping with my daughter's ultrasound photos, losing hope by the minute.  On August 9, it will be a year since my daughter died and I wanted to be pregnant before then.  One of the worst feeling is lacking control over important parts of your life.  I've never been the person to let things come to me and so it's hard waiting for a desirable outcome.  My mother is the type content in letting the "water" take her wherever it decides, but I am not.  And so it is hard relying on random probability.    

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Doctor Visits

I went to the OB/gyn today and I love that she is always optimistic, but today's visit depressed me. She is confident I will get pregnant, but I worry about how much of that relies on how financially capable we are for extra measures.  She is currently putting me on clomid to regulate my ovulation, so I am following through with the early steps. Although my hormone levels are normal, I have only ovulated twice in the last 4 months, making it harder to conceive.  Coupled with my husband's semen analysis, which is mildly abnormal, the two of us lower the chance of conception.

It's difficult thinking ahead when feeling discouraged.  But my OB/gyn and I discussed when it was appropriate to re-evaluate my current treatment, infertility options & costs, and success rates.  And the whole thing just sucks.  The gravity of trying unsuccessfully for a baby alone is harrowing, but it is emotionally exhausting after losing my daughter.  It's difficult finding the motivation to plan or make decisions about what should be done to ensure conception.  And it is easy to place blame elsewhere.  

I think today is a a 30 minute yoga flow day.  I included a video in case anyone is feeling the same way.   

      

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